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beer suckout point
#1
This is funny as hell. The original letter was funny enough but the reply is priceless.


Suckpoint
Miller Brewing Company
Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53201

Dear Sir or Madam,

I have been a drinker of Miller beer's for many years (actually, ever since that other company donated a big chunk of change to Handgun Control Inc. back in the mid 80's).

Initially, my beer of choice was Lite, but some time in mid 1990 while in Honduras I switched to MGD smuggled up from Panama. Now, for nearly six years, I have been a faithful drinker of MGD.

For these past years, I have come to expect certain things from Genuine Draft. I expect that whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am about ready to enjoy a great, smooth brew.

But wait! Sometime around the first of the year, my beloved MGD changed colors, so to speak. That familiar gold can was no longer gold! Knowing that I am, by nature, somewhat resistant to change, I forced myself to reserve judgment on the new can design.

Gradually, I grew to appreciate the new label.

That was until about May of this year. That was when I discovered (empirically) that I really didn't like the new design. Further investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in the following observations:

1. Your cans are made of aluminum.
2. Aluminum is a great conductor of energy.
3. Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus, the container may be exposed to sunlight.
4. Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of the surface of the can.
5. The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through the aluminum, by conduction, to the contents of the can (the beer).
6. Warm beer sucks.

This is a process that can be observed in just about any beer.

However, this process is significantly accelerated in MGD because you painted the damn can black!!!

Who was the rocket scientist that designed the new graphic for the can and implemented the change right before summer? Granted, this process may not be real evident up there in Wisconsin, but down here in Oklahoma (OR TEXAS) where the summers are both sunny and hot, this effect is quite a problem. There's no telling what the folks in Texas and Arizona are having to put up with.

Knowing that you would probably not address this issue unless you had firm evidence of a problem, I and several other subjects conducted extensive experimentation. The results of these experiments are listed below.

The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck next to my pool. The study included seven different types of beer (leftovers from a party the previous weekend) that were initially chilled to 38 degrees and then left exposed to sunlight for different lengths of time. These beers were sampled by the test subjects at different intervals. The subjects, all normally MGD drinkers, were asked at each sampling interval their impressions of the different beers.

The length of time between the initial exposure to sunlight and the point where the subject determined the sample undrinkable (the Suckpoint) was determined. The average ambient temperature for the trials was 95 degrees F.

Beer Type Average Suckpoint (min)

Miller Lite (white can) 6.2

Bud (white can) 5.5

Bud Lite (silver can) 5.2

Ice House (blue and silver can) 4.4

Coors Lite (silver can) 4.1

Miller Genuine Draft (black can) 2.8

Coors (gold can) 0.1


It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the average suckpoint, except for Coors which was pretty much determined to suck at any point.

It is to be hoped that you will consider re-designing your MGD cans. All beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their beer in the shade will thank you.

Sincerely,

Bradley Lee
Beer-drinker


Dear Bradley Lee,

Thank you for your letter and your concern about the MGD can color as it relates to premature warming of the contents. Like you, we at Miller Beer take beer drinking very seriously. To that end, we have taken your letter and subsequent experiment under serious consideration. Outlined below are our findings and solution to your problem. May we add that we have had similar letters from other loyal beer drinkers, mostly from the Southern United States.

First, let us congratulate you on your findings. Our analysis tends to agree with yours regarding Coors. It certainly does suck at about any temperature.

Now, it was our intention when redesigning the MGD can to create better brand identity and brand loyalty. Someone in marketing did some kind of research and determined we needed to redesign the can. You will be pleased to know, we have fired that idiot and he is now reeking havoc at a pro-gun control beer manufacturer. The design staffer working in cahoots with the marketing idiot was also down-sized.

However, once we realized this mistake, to undo it would have been an even bigger mistake. So, we took some other actions. From our market research, we found a difference between Northern beer drinker and Southern beer drinkers.

Beer drinkers in the South tend to drink slower than beer drinkers in the North. We are still researching why that is. Anyway, at Miller Beer, it was never our intention to have someone take more than 2.5 minutes to enjoy one of our beers. We pride ourselves in creating fine, smooth, quick drinking beers and leave the making of sissy, slow sipping beers to that Sam guy in Boston.

It is good to know that you feel our Miller Lite can last as long as 6 minutes. However, may we suggest in the future you try consuming at least two in that time frame.

This is a common way to drink beer at parties and impress your friends. This technique is known as "shot-gunning." You should like the name.

Again, thank you for your letter and bring to our attention that there might be other beer drinkers taking more that 2.5 minutes to drink our beers. Let me assure you that I have our advertising department work on a campaign to solve this problem, too.

Sincerely,


Tom B. Miller
Public Relations
Miller Brewing Co.


P.S. And remember, at Miller Beer we do favor gun control, too. So please use two hands when firing.

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Eric


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DRIVE IT DON'T STORE IT!
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#2
Now thats funny...

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#3
Beer and gun references...me likey!

Steve



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#4
Is that guy a beer nerd? Miller reps must be laughing to respond to him and keeping it serious. They must be required to respond to all comments from customers.
I wrote to the makers of RED WHITE and BLUE back in the 70's because they raised their price to 5 cents above Pepsi so I stopped drinking it. and went back to paying $1.25 a six pack for Pepsi RED-WHITE-BLUE was .99 cents a six pack. Didn't get a responce from them



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Alan L
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#5
That is hilarious!! And yes, I also agree that we here in Wisc. DO drink our beer faster than those in the south! Found that out while visiting family a couple years back......sissies, lol. Now also funny is that now it is Miller/COORS brewing comp.!!!!!!! So what does that say? I worked at the brewery for a while doing some masonry work a couple years back so I don't know the process now but I can only hope the Miller is brewed as far away from the Coors as possible......

"Life is what you make it......"
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#6
LOL! Too funny! :rofl:

Doc

[Image: 6y14ea.jpg]

Project started 8-7-10
Completed: All new suspension, rebuilt 351C H Code bored .030 over with mild cam and intake, new 3.50 TracLok, custom exhaust system
Current "mini-project": interior upgrade Undecided
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#7
That is so hilarious.

I almost died. LMAO

[Image: 25rnz1y.jpg]

~Buddy
  Reply
#8
white73mach;20244 Wrote:That is hilarious!! And yes, I also agree that we here in Wisc. DO drink our beer faster than those in the south! Found that out while visiting family a couple years back......sissies, lol. Now also funny is that now it is Miller/COORS brewing comp.!!!!!!! So what does that say? I worked at the brewery for a while doing some masonry work a couple years back so I don't know the process now but I can only hope the Miller is brewed as far away from the Coors as possible......

It is because we dont have to drink so fast to enjoy our company

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#9
Haha...good stuff!

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1971 Mach 1 - 306cid/C4 Bright Yellow
"Just relax, I've got a friend named Felix who can fix anything!" ~James Bond
  Reply
#10
Tnfastbk;20309 Wrote:
white73mach;20244 Wrote:That is hilarious!! And yes, I also agree that we here in Wisc. DO drink our beer faster than those in the south! Found that out while visiting family a couple years back......sissies, lol. Now also funny is that now it is Miller/COORS brewing comp.!!!!!!! So what does that say? I worked at the brewery for a while doing some masonry work a couple years back so I don't know the process now but I can only hope the Miller is brewed as far away from the Coors as possible......

It is because we dont have to drink so fast to enjoy our company

Oooh...ouch!

Steve



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